The Wall

One of the reasons for starting this blog was to draw attention to the work of SANDS. Thanks to C for passing this to me to post. x


You are walking along fine with everyone else and the sun is shining
and all is well, then you walk SLAM into a brick wall. And it hurts –
it really hurts. It hurts your head and your chest where your heart is
and your stomach. And it shocks you as only slamming into a brick wall
can. It stops you dead in your tracks. And you stand there thinking,
“How did I not see that coming? What happened? How could someone just
do that to me?” And you look around and everyone else seems to be
walking round the wall. They are carrying on like nothing happened and
the sun is still shining for them. They don’t even see the wall. They
don’t even know it’s there. And you realise you didn’t even know it was
there till you hit it – you didn’t even know there was a brick wall you
could hit – not now, not at this stage. And slowly you pull yourself
back together. The pain in your stomach has turned to a sick feeling
and your heart still hurts, your mind racing with questions about this
brick wall – How, What, Where, Why??? Mostly WHY??? Why on earth would
someone make you walk into this wall – why did they have to put it in
front of you and no-one else?

And you can walk again now the pain in your stomach and maybe your legs
has lessened. So you slowly make your way around the wall and to the
other side. But it doesn’t look the same on the other side. It’s greyer
and emptier. And you know you’ve left something behind – something very
precious and you want it back. So you turn round and there is the brick
wall behind you and it seems to hit you with the same force again when
you realise you can’t go back. It’s blocking your path and it will
always be there. You pummel your fists on it and cry and shout at it
but it’s unbreakable and absolute. It won’t let you get your precious
bundle back – that has to stay on the other side and you must carry on
without it. You can’t go back to the path you were on before you hit
the brick wall – it’s impossible. So all you can do is go forward and
walk on from it. But it’s hard going and your legs don’t seem to want
to walk away from it. You know when you look over your shoulder it will
always be there. It may fade a bit from view but if you look closely
you will always be able to see it – even in the distance. And you look
around you again and see all the people who never hit the brick wall
carrying on too. You tell some of them about the brick wall and they
sympathise – it must’ve hurt they say. You are looking very well
despite this brick wall – you have no cuts or bruises on the outside
because those heal. So you must be doing ok then now they say. But my
wounds are on the inside you feel like screaming. How can you not know
about this brick wall – why couldn’t you walk into instead of me? And
then you feel bad – you know you wouldn’t really want anyone else to
walk into that wall.

Some people are ok – maybe they have seen the wall themselves in the
past or came close to it – maybe they are really good friends/family
who close their eyes and do try to imagine walking into the wall. They
are the ones who help you keep walking away from it. People tell you
that you’ll never hit this brick wall again – it only appears once in
your life. And you want to believe them even though you can’t ever be
sure. Up ahead it looks like maybe your path does cross back into the
sunshine again – the same sunshine that everyone else is basking in.
And you can maybe just make out another bundle waiting for you to pick
up and carry with you for the rest of your life. And maybe if you are
strong and keep moving forward then you’ll reach it one day. But it’s
not the same bundle as before – it can’t be. That one is behind the
wall. The wall that’s always there if you look over your shoulder. And
written on it forever more is the message in letters a mile high, that
only you can see “My darling baby RIP”

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Categories: London Marathon, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “The Wall

  1. I have never been able to find the right words to explain how I feel. Whenever I tried the words just stick in my throat and won’t come out. Yet these words just sum it up perfectly. I have slammed into this wall four times. My heart is heavy and I am tired.


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